Would you not want to be beatified, too?
Advice for the sanctimonious and those who would become such
Would you not want to be beatified, too? Chances were never as great as today. In the 2000 year history of the catholic church no head of the church has carried out as many canonizations and beatifications as John Paul II. In the twenty years of his pontificate the Polish Pontiff has canonized a total of 280 women and men, and beatified another 805. (This is pretty close to the amount that all of his predecessors since 1592 have reached together!)1
Should you desire to belong to the circle of the beatified or even canonized luminaries, read and conscientiously follow the advice for the sanctimonious and those who would become such. These pieces of advice are based on a thorough analysis of the history of beatifications and canonizations of the catholic church. So, take our instructions seriously! Even if you should not reach the goal of belonging to the top 1000 in the register of beatified Catholics, you can count on being rewarded in heaven at any rate! (And who could say no to that?)
Advice Number 1
If you are not already a member, join the only true catholic church! Membership in such a church is of course not necessarily cost-efficient (some could finance the purchase of a small private house from money spent on church taxes), but beatitude has its price. Besides, what are ten, twenty, or fifty years of suffering..., if, in the end, ultimate glory awaits you, forever and forever..., forever?2
Advice Number 2
Have blind faith in the Christian message–especially where it is totally illogical! Credo quia absurdum (I believe because it is absurd) goes an old motto of the catholic church. Indeed: anybody can believe in logical things. But from a beatified one can rightfully expect more; he has to be able to believe the absurd. That requires that you first checkmate your mind. At best, pray the rosary at least a dozen times a day. Visualize thereby the mysteries of the Christian faith, for example, the transubstantiation of a simple catholic Host: As you know, the Host is nothing special at first, merely a common wafer that could just as well finish as the base of a coconut-macaroon cookie. In church, however, our wafer experiences its true destiny: While the Priest recites his little verse, the wafer is transformed from a vegetarian wafer into meaty Host that, while still tasting suspiciously like a wafer, now really consists mainly of the innards of the Redeemer. This, by itself, would be somewhat astonishing, but it gets better still: After the Christians have consumed the body of Jesus in a cannibalistic-ritual act (which they call "Communion"), the sacred process of transfiguration of the Host reverses itself in the Christians’ stomachs. From Jesus’ body originate one hundred percent secular excrements which is actually quite advantageous since they can be decontaminated later without any trouble through your toilet’s flushing system. (Should you do the same with the Host, you would commit a mortal sin through violating a holy sacrament...)3
If you are able to reconstruct all this without losing your faith, you have already mastered an important hurdle on your way to beatitude! Congratulation!
Advice Number 3
Change your nutritional habits absolutely! Not only love but also bliss travels through the stomach. Be informed by the example of Saint Catharine of Genoa, who relished chewing the dirt of poor folk clothing, whereby she swallowed dirt and lice. Or follow the example of Saint Marguerite Marie Alacoque on whose revelations, nevertheless, the Sacred Heart Order, Sacred Heart devotion, and the Sacred Heart festival are based. It is reported that she, at times "only drank laundry-water, ate moldy bread, rotten fruits, once licked up with her tongue the excrement of a patient and described in her autobiography the happiness she experienced as she filled her mouth with the feces of a man who suffered from diarrhea. For such fecal-fetishism however she was allowed at night to kiss the Sacred Heart of Jesus at length, who then held her in His own hands4
Advice Number 4
Acquire a serious illness soon! Disease is a great blessing for those who wish to rise in the beloved circle of the beatified. As a candidate for beatification and successor of Christ you carry a heavy responsibility on your shoulders: you carry the cross of disease only in order to do penance in His place for all the disgustingness of modern times–for the wickedness of the world, the overpowering strength of Satan, the lacking obedience toward the Pope and the church, and so on. By the way, if it shouldn’t work out too well with disease for you, try self-flagellation. The beatified Josemaria Escriva, a great self-flagellant before the Lord, coined a significant motto that you should never forget on your way to beatification. Pray after me: "Blessed be the pain–beloved be the pain–sanctified be the pain ... glorified be the pain!"5
You feel much worse already? Wonderful! You are on the right track!
Advice Number 5
Make friends with all available dictators you meet or–in case no dictator is handy at the moment–ostracize with ferocity the diabolical system of democracy! In this region the beatified founder of Opus Dei, Escriva, also serves as a shining example. This in record-speed beatified admirer of Adolf Hitler entertained friendly relations with Franco under whose cleric-fascist rule Opus Dei was able to expand mightily.6 The beatified Cardinal Alojzije Stepinac also entertained close connections to fascist rulers. Together with Ante Pavelic, the leader of the Croat Ustasha regime, he agitated successfully against the Jews and the Serbs.7 (in 1946 he was sentenced to 16 years in prison for that. His beatification, naturally, happened somewhat later, in 1998.)
What was good for Cardinal Stepinac can only be fair for Mother Teresa, the great "beatified in waiting."8 Teresa, who received, beside the Nobel Peace Prize, the Legion of Honor medal from the Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier often ranted and raved publicly against the satanic threats from democracy. And she, the true lady of God, was right. After all, every Christian should know why democracy is rotten to the core: Truth in the Christian faith always come from above, never from below...9
Advice Number 6
Increase under all circumstances the capital stock of the church! Mother Teresa showed how this is done:10 One establishes a hospital, in one of the numerous slums of this world where one cares for the sick more badly than correctly. And now the clincher: the millions collected through fund raising campaigns one uses not for the ailing residents (in Teresa’s Mission most patients suffered a horrible, painful death because no importance was placed on the provision of pain killers) but transfers the funds speedily to the accounts of the church. (After all, the Holy Father needs a lot of money, for example, to print Bibles for Russia.) Hint: should you be really serious with your career as a "beatified in waiting," do not neglect this important stepping stone under any circumstances! Money makes the world go round! That, in the end, is also true for the Vatican.
Advice Number 7
Insist that you had an apparition of the holiest Godmother and Virgin Mary. As Mary appeared a whole 927 times until 1993 (427 times in the twentieth century alone!), It should be easy for you to meet with her sometime. Authentic tidings from the Madonna are always of similar content, by the way, and therefore easy to identify: Pray the Rosary! Consecrate the world to my immaculate heart! Do penance! Obey the Pope!11 (should the Virgin advertise a preservative, serious doubts about the authenticity of your Vision are in order!). Another important hint: Should the Virgin really appear, give due consideration to the proper apparel for the occasion! Women should always attend the Virgin in wide dresses (pants are considered offensive).12 Attention: this hint is of course exclusively for women! Men are urged to abstain from wearing women’s clothing in the presence of Mary (the Virgin is still a little squeamish there). Give preference instead to unobtrusive gray, loosely folded knickers as well as small checked shirts.
Advice Number 8
Gather followers around you! It is best to start your own Religious Order immediately. The more people propagate for you the better your chances to be beatified. Select your followers very carefully, however. Those with high IQs (over 95) could be detrimental for your quest. Remember: Ignorance is bliss, and the blissful can advance your beatification best. To express it in the words of the accursed Friedrich Nietzsche: "What? You are searching? You want to increase yourself tenfold, hundredfold? You are looking for followers?–look for zeros!"
Advice Number 9
Concentrate your search toward a niche as yet unoccupied by the beatified or canonized. Every jar needs its lid, and every beatified or saint his speciality in which he can work wonders as the officially certified patron-saint. Sure: many patronage-areas are by now already taken, but with some luck–and of course God’s help!–you may succeed to find one of the few unoccupied niches in spite of all difficulties. (A hot tip: there is no patron-saint yet who assists especially with warts and sweaty feet. Also, anorexic female post office employees, Internet-addicted stamp collectors, and transvestite plumbing-journeymen must do without a patron-saint at this moment. If you show talents in this area, do not hesitate! Secure your beatified domain before someone else beats you to it!
Advice Number 10
Work posthumous wonders! This will demonstrate primarily your qualification for beatitude. Don’t worry, this sounds more complicated than it is! If you have, during your lifetime, secured a beatification niche , the posthumous wonder is indeed a cinch. After your departure some people will surely ask for your help en masse. Statistically, it is only a matter of time until the exquisitely serious beatification or canonization commission of the catholic church can record a wonder! Pay attention the following rule of thumb: the larger your clientele, the more likely is the occurrence of posthumous wonders. So, specialize more on sweaty feet victims than transvestite plumbing-journeymen! But even for patron-saints for the relatively small group of transvestite plumbing-journeymen there is hope because, after all, in matters of wonders the honorable beatification or canonization commission will gladly shut one or both eyes. Particularly, they don’t seem too disturbed if the working of wonders by the beatification or canonization candidates show only short, time-limited successes. Here an example of a recent event:14 The beatified Anna Schäfer–apparently a specialist for dangerous traffic accidents (what an exquisite patron-saint area!)–is supposed to have saved, according to the canonization committee of the Vatican, the life of a young motorcyclist after being appealed to in many prayers. This noble rescue-mission helped the young motorcycle-rowdy very little, though. A short time later he lost his life in another accident. (Bad luck: Anna Schäfer must have been out to lunch just then!)15
Inasmuch as you have followed the above advice religiously, your beatification should only be a formality. Be happy to look forward to an eternal life in the circle of enlightened kindred spirits.
Should you, however, have lost interest in eternal life, well then, we will heartily welcome you in the "Club of the Accursed.." Our club populated by notables. So you should not fret about it: because of your declining heaven you won’t miss anything that would be worth mentioning. After all, in your heart, would it be really be a pleasure to be in the company of Escriva, Stepinac or Mother Teresa for eternity, occupied day after day with praying the rosary, self-flagellation, and mind-numbing spiritual exercises? Rather not. Then it be better to roast in Hell alongside Heinrich Heine, Karl Marx, Rosa Luxemburg, Frank Zappa, and Janis Joplin! Looking at it that way, Hell is not such an unpleasant place. Almost a pity that it doesn’t (in all probability) exist, this locale of eternal damnation where there is nothing predominating but sin and vices. Oh how we could laugh, tipple, have sex, and engage in discussions! Unrestrained, wild, and wanton, in all eternity. Amen.
You will find further thought-provokers in the Internet (Musik- und Spaßguerilla "Kommando Hanf Baumann") at <http://www.hanf-baumann.de/>.
1) vgl. Internationale Rundschau der MIZ, Meldung 2656. In: MIZ 1/99
2) Per Josemaria Escriva in his standard work, printed by the millions, entitled Der Weg. Spruch Nr. 182
3) For the tip about the double host mystery we thank Gottfried Gummerer.(vgl. Gummerer (1991): Weltbild ohne Dogma. Kirchen- und kulturkritische Betrachtungen. Münster.
4) Deschner, Karlheinz: Das Kreuz mit der Kirche. Eine Sexualgeschichte des Christentums. S. 97
5) Escriva, Josemaria: Der Weg. Spruch Nr. 208
6) vgl. Hutchison, Robert (1996): Die heilige Mafia des Papstes. der wachsende Einfluß des Opus Dei
7) vgl. Deschner, Karlheinz (1988): Mit Gott und dem Führer. Die Politik der Päpste zur Zeit des Nationalsozialismus.
8) Christopher Hitchens provided valuable contributions for the deconstruction of the thoroughly sanctimonious Mother Teresa [vgl. Hitchens, Christopher (1997): The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice. In the German area the magazine Der Stern dared to point out the unpopular truths behind the Teresa-Myth (vgl. vor allem die Reportagen "Nehmen ist seliger denn geben" ( Stern 38/98) und "Mutter Teresas herzlose Schwestern" (Stern 2/99)].
9) Pope John Paul II easily rejected the demands of the movement "Kirche von unten" (Church from the grass roots, or from the people). In a meeting with Austrian Bishops in November 1998 he was explicit: Truth, so he said, is not a product of a "church from the people" but emanates from above, from God (vgl. Internationale Rundschau der MIZ, Meldung 2614. In: MIZ 4/98)
10) vgl. Stern 38/98 und 2/99
11) vgl. u.a. Hierzenberger, Gottfried / Nedomansky, Otto: Erscheinungen und Botschaften der Gottesmutter Maria. Vollständige Dokumentation durch zwei Jahrtausende.(Apparitions and Tidings of Godmother Maria. Complete documentation through two millennia.)
12) For this important hint we thank a "letter to the editor" writer in the Trierischer Volksfreund, that made it plain that the apparition of Maria in Marpingen could not be authentic because the female "seers" committed the unchristian error to wear pants.
13) Nietzsche, Friedrich: Götzen-Dämmerung (Dawn of the Gods). In Nietzsche, Friedrich: Werke Bd. 2, S. 944.
14) vgl. hierzu Internationale Rundschau der MIZ, Meldung 2673. In: MIZ 2/99
15) By the way: In spite of the sad fate of her son, his mother joined the train of pilgrims to Rome. She was just as impressed of the festive service in the crowded St. Peter Basilica as were all the other faithful Catholics that attended the festivities. As we said: Ignorance is bliss, and the blissful can advance your beatification best...
This essay appeared in the the organ of the Austrian Freethinkers Association, the quarterly magazine der freidenker, Vienna, 31. Jahrgang, III/2001, pages 23-26 and is here reproduced in translation provided by Eunacom.
For original text in the German language, click here: Seligsprechung
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